YOU ARE MY 
VISITOR...
TO LAUGH WITH...
... THE FOLLOWING ARE DITTIES I PICKED UP OFF VARIOUS SHIT HOUSE WALLS DURING MY EXTENSIVE TRAVELS AROUND THE GOOD OLD US OF A...
SCREW JOB...
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the tender and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his b'ness."
ARE BLONDS REALLY DUMB?... GUESS AGAIN...
Did you hear about the dumb blonde who locked her keys in the car?
It took four hours to get her red headed sister out.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: Oh, you mean with one guy.
MY WIFE LEFT ME AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND...
... After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut down on expenses. I had to give up drinking liquor, I wasen't a big drinker, maybe a six pack or a fifth or so on the week-end.. Never the less I gave it all up but the other day when she came home from grocery shopping I noticed the receipt included $45.00 for make-up. I said to her, ''wait a minute, I've given up the spirits but you haven't given up anything.'' She said, ''I buy that make up in order to look pretty for you.'' I told her, ''That was what the liquor was for.''
... I don't think she's coming back ...
...BEHIND CLOSED DOORS...
WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS? NOBODY'LL TELL ME! THEY SAY, " IT'S NONE OF YOUR B'NESS " ... NONE OF MY B'NESS, HUH? TELL ME, IF IT'S NONE OF MY B'NESS HOW AM I GONNA LEARN? HOW AM I GONNA DISTINGUISH SEX FROM INSECTS? I'VE LOOKED AT 'EM, STUDIED 'EM EXTENSIVELY THEIR JUST BIRDS 'N BEES, NOTHIN' MORE... NO SEX... NO KINKY... JUST BIRDS AND BEES. SO HOW AM I GONNA LEARN? NOBODY'LL TELL ME WHAT THEIR DOIN' BEHIND CLOSED DOORS! BUT I GODDA PLAN... A SCHEME AND IT HAS TO DO WITH THE NEWLY WED NEIGHBORS DOWN THE BLOCK... I OVER HEARD 'EM TALKIN' THE OTHER DAY... SAID IT'S COMIN' DOWN... SAID THEY'D NEED NO HELP GETTIN' IT IN... THEN THEY WENT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS....
click on 'behind closed doors' above to continue...