YOU ARE MY VISITOR...

WILLY... YOU READY HON...?

MAUDE... I DON'T KNOW... I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER DONE IT BEFORE...

WILLY... WHADDA YOU MEAN? IT'S YOUR DUTY...

MAUDE... I HEARD NOTHING ABOUT DOING THIS IN OUR VOWS...

WILLY... CALL IT AN... UNWRITTEN RULE...

MAUDE... CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT...?

WILLY... IT COULD AFFECT MY LABIDO, I SHOULD HAVE SOME HELP...

MAUDE... CAN WE DO IT DURING MY SOAPS...?

WILLY... ABSOLUTELY NOT!... WHY WOULD YOU WANNA WAIT TILL THEN..?

MAUDE... SO I CAN WATCH SOMETHING WHILE WE DO IT...?

WILLY... DO I WATCH LENO WHEN WE'RE EATIN' DINNER...?

MAUDE... FINE! JUST GET IT OVER WITH...

WILLY... SO, YOUR READY...?

MAUDE... [sighing]... AS READY AS I'LL EVER BE...

WILLY... WOO! HOO...!

MAUDE... THIS ISN'T GONNA TAKE LONG, IS IT...?

WILLY... ABOUT AS LONG AS IT TAKES...

MAUDE... THAT'S NO ANSWER...

WILLY... WHAT SHOULD I SAY THEN? THIRTY MINUTES...?

MAUDE... THAT LONG...?

WILLY... I DON'T KNOW! FIFTEEN MINUTES...?

MAUDE... I HOPE NOT...

WILLY... WHADDA YOU SAYIN' MAUDE...?

MAUDE... I WAS THINKIN' ON THE LINES OF SAY, FIVE MINUTES...

WILLY... WHADDA YOU THINK I AM? A SIXTY SECOND MAN...?

MAUDE... WE SHOULD GO FOR THE RECORD...

WILLY... WHICH IS...?

MAUDE... SEVEN MINUTES...

WILLY... WHO TOLD YOU THE RECORD WAS SEVEN MINUTES...?

MAUDE... THE JOHNSON'S ACROSS THE STREET...

WILLY... WHAT, THE JOHNSON'S? WE HARDLY KNOW 'EM... ANYWAY, BY THE LOOKS OF THE HUSBAND, IT'D TAKE LONGER THEN THAT JUST TO GET IT UP...

MAUDE... I DON'T KNOW WILLIAM... I'M KINDA FRIGHTENED...

WILLY... FRIGHTENED? WHATTA YOU FRIGHTENED ABOUT SWEETY...?

MAUDE... WELL, I AM A VIRGIN...

WILLY... I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS YOUR SECOND MARRIAGE...

MAUDE... IT IS...

WILLY... AND YOUR FIRST HUSBAND NEVER...?

MAUDE... HE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DOING THIS...

WILLY... THAT'S UNBELIEVEABLE... YOU MEAN, YOU NEVER....?

MAUDE... NOT WITH HIM...

WILLY... THEN WITH WHO...?

MAUDE... NOBODY...

WILLY... BUT, DIDN'T HE INSIST...?

MAUDE... NOT ABOUT DOING THIS...

WILLY... WHAT WAS HE? A PRIEST...!

MAUDE... HOW ABOUT PROTECTION? SHOULDN'T YOU WEAR SOMETHING...

WILLY... NO I DON'T... I'LL JUST GET IN THEN OUT... NO PROBLEM...

MAUDE... WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE IT FOR THIRTY MINUTES...

WILLY... IF THINGS GO SMOOTHLY, IT SHOULDN'T TAKE THAT LONG...

MAUDE... THEN EXCUSE ME...

WILLY... WHERE YOU GOIN'...?

MAUDE... TO TAKE A SHOWER...

WILLY... DO IT AFTERWARDS...

MAUDE... BUT I'M HOT...

WILLY... I AM TOO... WE CAN TAKE A SHOWER AFTERWARDS...

MAUDE... JUST DON'T LET IT SLIP OUT...

WILLY... AND YOU THINK TAKIN' A SHOWER WILL PREVENT IT...?

MAUDE... IF YOU INTEND TO LET IT SLIP OUT THEN I'M NOT GONNA DO IT...

WILLY... LOOK! NOBODY INTENDS FOR IT TO SLIP OUT... NOBODY'S EVER SAID, ' I THINK I'LL PUT IT IN THEN LET IT SLIP OUT '...!

MAUDE... DON'T YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO CONTROL STUFF LIKE THAT? IT ALL SOUNDS SO... EMBARRASSING...

WILLY... JUST DON'T LOOK THEN...

MAUDE... HOW CAN I NOT LOOK AND HELP YOU AT THE SAME TIME...?

WILLY... JUST FEEL YOUR WAY, OKAY...?

MAUDE... I'LL TRY... MY GAWD! THAT'S BIG...

WILLY... YEAH, I KNOW...

MAUDE... I HAD NO IDEA... I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA FIT...

WILLY... IT'LL FIT...

MAUDE... MAYBE WE SHOULD MEASURE FIRST...

WILLY... TAKE MY WORD FOR IT... IT'LL FIT, NOW JUST GET PREPARED...

MAUDE... OOOOH! I CAN'T LOOK...

WILLY... IS IT IN YET...?

MAUDE... OUCH! YOU JUST HURT ME...

WILLY... SORRY...

MAUDE... CAN'T WE DO THIS ANOTHER WAY...?

WILLY... WELL, I COULD PUT IT IN THE BACK WAY BUT...

MAUDE... BUT WHAT...?

WILLY... THAT WOULD REALLY BE TIGHT..

MAUDE... THEN DON'T JERK WHEN YOU DO IT...

WILLY... [straining]... WHEW! THIS IS TIGHTER THEN I EXPECTED...

MAUDE... HOW ABOUT SOME LUBRICANT...?

WILLY... FOR WHAT...?

MAUDE... YOU KNOW...

WILLY... YOU MEAN, SO IT'LL JUST SLIP IN...?

MAUDE... IT WOULD SAVE ON ALL THE HARD WORK...

WILLY... IT COULD JUST... SLIP OUT TOO, YOU KNOW...

MAUDE... WE GOTTA USE SOMETHING...

WILLY... FINE! WHAT KINDA LUBRICANT HAVE YOU GOT...?

MAUDE... I THINK THERE'S SOME AXLE GREASE IN THE GARAGE...

WILLY... I'M NOT GONNA PUT AXLE GREASE ON IT...!

MAUDE... WHY NOT...?

WILLY... I DON'T KNOW!... WON'T IT DISCOLOR IT...?

MAUDE... THEN USE SOME K-Y JELLY... NO WAIT, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY... HOW ABOUT VASELINE...?

WILLY... JUST... COME ON WITH IT...

MAUDE... WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT IT...?

WILLY... WHA'CHA TALKIN' ABOUT? PUT IT RIGHT HERE...

MAUDE... GIMME A CLUE HERE...

WILLY... STOOPID WOMAN! GIMME IT, I'LL DEAL WITH IT...

MAUDE... BE MY GUEST...

WILLY... DO YOU NEED ANY...?

MAUDE... I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT...

WILLY... TELL YOU WHAT... I'LL DO THE OUTSIDE AND YOU DO THE INSIDE...

MAUDE... I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA DO IT TOGETHER...?

WILLY... WE ARE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T WANT IT TO FALL OUT, WOULD YOU...?

MAUDE... CERTAINLY NOT...

WILLY... THEN I GOTTA DO IT ON THE OUTSIDE...

MAUDE... BUT I'LL BE BY MYSELF... I'LL FREAK OUT...!

WILLY... I'LL BE RIGHT HERE...

MAUDE... BUT, YOU SAID...

WILLY... I WON'T BE THAT FAR AWAY...

MAUDE... THEN DO YOUR THING AND LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH BUT DON'T ASK ME TO DO THIS ANY MORE...

WILLY... WHO ELSE AM I GONNA ASK...?

MAUDE... I DON'T KNOW... GET A PROFESSIONAL...

WILLY... THEIR TOO EXPENSIVE...

MAUDE... SOMETIMES I THINK THIS IS THE ONLY REASON YOU MARRIED ME...

WILLY... YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE...

MAUDE... IT ISN'T...?

WILLY... OF COURSE NOT... [after a pause]... YOUR THE ONLY ONE I COULD FIND WHO COULD COOK LIKE MY MOTHER...

MAUDE... YOU CAD!

WILLY... C'MON! YOUR JUST IN TOO MUCH HEAT... NOW LET'S DO IT...

MAUDE... I'LL DO IT ALRIGHT...!

WILLY... NO! NO! YOUR PUSHIN'... YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO PUSH...

MAUDE... THEN WHAT SHOULD I DO...?

WILLY... JUST MAKE SURE IT GOES IN STRAIGHT...

MAUDE... BUT I DON'T HAVE A RULER...

WILLY... YOU DON'T NEED A RULER!... JUST USE YOUR EYES...

MAUDE... YOU WANT ME TO WATCH...?

WILLY... OR FEEL... JUST MAKE SURE IT GOES IN STRAIGHT...

MAUDE... I'LL TRY... UH! OH...!

WILLY... UH, OH? WHATTA YOU MEAN... UH, OH...?

MAUDE... IT'S STUCK...

WILLY... THEN UN-STICK IT...

MAUDE... I'M NOT GONNA TOUCH IT...!

WILLY... NO, YOU'D RATHER IT GO IN CROOKED...?

MAUDE... IT'S SLIPPING OUT! WATCH OUT WILLIAM...!!

WILLY... OOOOH! MY BACK...!!!

MAUDE... OH MY GAWD! ARE YOU ALRIGHT...?

WILLY... DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M ALRIGHT...?

MAUDE... DO YOU WANT ME TO RUB IT...