YOU ARE MY 
VISITOR...
SEX EDUCATION...
by: Anothernonymous
... Everyone knows that sex education began in the wild, but did you know who first discovered it? Well, neither do I but it was revealed to me that one of the first teachers was a frog (a toad to be exact) and I’m not here to dispute it, I only report. So, let us join some (not so typical) forest dwellers and see how sex education really began. It was on one of your typical forest afternoons near a typical forest pond where Greenspan and Floyd often hung out. Now Greenspan (yes, he had the name first) was a toad (many would believe him a frog because he looked like a frog, he acted like a frog and he even zapped flies with his tongue like a frog.. But ask his wife, she would tell you that a big dummy female chaser that was good for nothing must be a toad! But that’s another story). In any case, Greenspan was doing his usual fly catching at his favorite pond and sharing his wisdoms with Floyd, a down to earth worm (hey! there's something in that title, what?) any way, who just happened by on his way to where ever it was that worms congregate....
green: (watching floyd pass-by).. Hey Floyd, What’s your hurry?floyd: Hurry?.. I started out three hours ago...
green: Yeah?.. Where’d you start out at?
floyd: ... Yer left leg..
green: So, now you’re almost at my right one, I repeat, what’s yer hurry?
floyd: Gotta get home before the snow begins.
green: That’d be in, oh.. Seven months.. Sure you’ll have enough time?
floyd: Should, unless someone moves that tree over there.
green: What does the tree have to do with it?
floyd: That’s where I live.
green: I been meanin’ to ask you, Floyd. Do you ever think about sex?
floyd: All the time, problem is.. Hardly anyone stays still long enough for me to get it out.
green: Know what’cha mean old pal.. I also dwell within the mind realm of things sexual...
floyd: Got a girlfriend?
green: A wife, but that’s another story. Actually I’m fascinated with the letter 'F’.
floyd: I think I know where this is goin'....
green... Huh...?
floyd... The letter ' F '...?
green: (thinking)... Oh, yeah! Well, that too, but in this instance the letter ’F’ relates directly to the word ’FEMALE’ of which I dig ’em all!floyd: All...?
green: Yeah...!
floyd: Every female?
green: Every female.
floyd: Even Gnats?
green: Especially gnats.
floyd: Tell me more!
green: Well, it began when I was just a tadpole...
.... As we leave Floyd and Greenspan to ramble on about hardly anything in particular, a shuffling somewhere in the distance distracts us. Seems a lovely young princess was taking her afternoon stroll in the wood just down from the castle where her father (the king) dwells. She loves her forest, the fragrance of the wild flowers in spring, the scent of pine and maple.. Life for the princess was good. Not far away lazed Greenspan and Floyd.. It was Floyd who first sensed her presence ....
floyd: Did you hear somethin’?
green: Well, I didn’t do it!
floyd: Do what...?
green: Whatever it was you smelled.
floyd: Not smelled!.. Sensed. There’s someone afoot.
green: Whatta you mean, like a foot away? Just a foot? What?
floyd... Whatta you mean, just a foot...?
Green... I mean, is there a body with that foot...?
floyd: I sense a human.. A princess, okay...
green: You can tell all that from a sense?
floyd: I’m acute...
green: (posing)... Not as cute as me.floyd: Not cute! Acute, alright...?
green: A cute what...?
floyd: I'm referrin' to my senses...
green: So you gotta cute sense...?
floyd: yes...
green: I reiterate... not as cute as me...
floyd: Whatever!... (sniffing)... she’s getting nearer.green: How can you tell it’s a female?
floyd: Because there ain’t no such thing as a male princess.
green: Have you ever visited San Francisco?
floyd: I don’t think so.
green: Wait a minute!.. How do you know she’s a princess?
floyd: Because a peasant stomps thru the woods, a princess sorta glides.
green: Couldn’t it just as well be an earle? Or a witch?
floyed: Couldn’t be anythin’ but a princess.
green: How so..?
floyd: The footsteps...
green: Footsteps?
floyd: It’s a worm thing, hard to explain..
green: Whatever.. Say! How’d you like a lesson in sex education?
floyd: Yer not gonna try to come on to me, are ya'...?
green... Not you...!... her...
floyd... ya' mean, the princess...?
green: Why not?.. She’s a female.
floyd: But she’s not yer average run of the mill. She’s a human female. They only like other humans.
green: My friend, you underestimate my abilities.
floyd: This I gotta witness. What's the plan?
green... does there always have to be a plan...?
floyd... I suppose not... so, what's next...?
green: Shhh! I've gotta plan.
floyd: Where you goin’?
green: I do my best work perched up high.
floyd: Deliver me!
.... As the princess came ever so near, she decided to rest upon a certain boulder. Suddenly, before she could make full contact on the frog’s face, he croaked. She jumped back in surprise and there, on the boulder sat Greenspan ....
green: Well, that was close...
princess: Did.. Did I sit on you?
green: Unfortunately... No.
princess: You can talk?.. A toad that talks, how amusing.
green: Yeah, ain’t it?
princess: I thought so.
green: Wanna know somethin’ amusin’? I ain’t no toad.. I’m a frog!.. Well, that’s not totally correct either. Actually, I’m a Knight in shining armor.
princess: (looking about).. Are we on candid camera?green: Naw!.. Borrowed time, maybe.... at least I am. Hey!! Where you goin’?
princess: I have some strolling to do, bye Mr. Toad.
green: Frog!.. Don’t cha wanna hear my story?
princess: Will it take long?
green: Not if you don’t interrupt.
princess: I don’t know, I really need to finish my walk.
green: FINE! Go ahead on; pass up the most handsome prince in the forest..
princess: Prince?... You’re a toad..
green: Frog! Don't add insult to misery... But I wasen’t always this green skinned creature before you, no indeed! I was once a handsome prince, but one day as I was riding my favorite steed toward yon castle I was detained by a hag! Being a knight of favor and lore, I immediately dispelled her and chanced to continue on my journey. Irate, the hag placed a spell on both my steed and me and thus transformed him into yon worm and I into the wretched beast you see before you. So as not to create a bitter karma upon herself if per chance she had wronged an innocent, she then cursed Floyd and me (floyd looks up at her as she gazes at him) .. stating that we would remain as such throughout eternity lest a fair damsel chooses to chance upon us and, feeling pity, kiss the lips before you. I beseech you then, young princess, please take this spell from my soul...
.... The Princess envisioned her dream knight and decided to grant his request.. But, as the toad.. uh.. Frog neared her lips, the ugliness of which he emitted turned her stomach....
green: My dear, did you not expect as much? The hag was complete in her spell and this green skinned atrocity before you is the depth of her vileness. Again I beseech you, break this torment with but a kiss and I shall be yours forever.
.... With renewed determination, this time the damsel drew near, shivered, puckered up, then pecked him slightly on his noggin’...
green: Please, M’lady, the lips if you don't mind. The top of my head doesn’t release the curse...
... The princess then touched her lips on his...green: Feeling! Put some feeling into it woman! I mean, my dear.
... She pressed a bit harder, envisioning a most handsome prince.. But still he didn’t change... Presently, a couple of forest monkeys swung by and witnessing the strange behavior just below them...
ONE TURNED TO THE OTHER...
babs: (yelling at the frog).. Hey toad! When you gonna ask for some tongue?
... The two monkeys begin laughing and mocking two love birds frenching. The princess witnesses their behavior and steps back from the frog.
green: I’m quite sure that if our tongues met as we kissed passionately, this would indeed break the curse...
.... Upon this newest request, the monkeys literally loose their grip and plummet onto the ground rolling in the dirt laughing uncontrollably. The maiden then swings around and plants a fist right between poor greenspan's eyes.. He went reeling back into a bramble bush and alit on the only nettle within. Then she turns an about face, spits on the ground and charges off....
green: (calling after her).. I love aggressive females... (yelling)... their wilder in bed!!!
... With her back still toward him, she deliberately shoots him the finger then disappears into the glen.. The frog, showing signs of a newly risen swelling in one eye, stares at the worm whose now shaking his head in disbelief.
floyd: Tisk, tisk! Did you actually think she would go all the way?
... He rises from the bush and yanks the nettle out of his butt...
green: It was those banana suckers' fault, had they not interfered... Who knows?"
floyd: Well, you should have just come right out and propositioned her, it would have saved you that black eye.
green: But my friend, to have done so would ruin the romantic atmosphere.
... Just then, a caterpillar inched by and as the worm leaves, the frog offers some advice...
green: Tell her you’re a soldier of fortune, that should bring out the romance in her..
floyd: (catching up to the caterpillar)... Romance my butt!green: How then are you gonna get anyone?
floyd; Easy, just find someone slower..(turning)... Hey Bitch!, Wanna make babies!!...
